UPDATE: This was my blog post for Monday March 9th, 2020 but for some reason, it did not post until today.
Well, it is #MammothMonday and I really had an internal meltdown trying to decide whether or not to post a blog today. Then I thought, if I do not post, I am letting down those people that I constantly tell to keep forging ahead. Therefore, for those of you already building your businesses with me or for those starting out, this blog post is meant to show you that real life will always get in the way of your journeys path and you must stay focused even when you feel that you are falling apart.
Although I only got about 40% of my work accomplished today, I am grateful that I was able to get that much done. I am so heartbroken today and I feel like I am falling apart. I am well aware that everything passes but while I am sitting in the depths of the fire, I am so sad. I have a person in my life battling addiction and after years of trying to help them, it has only gotten worse. I feel like a failure. I know that it is not my issue to solve but at the same time I am devastated not to be able to “fix” the problem. It is a 31 year relationship, most of my adult life, almost part of my actual identity and now it feels like I am being thrust into what could potentially be the rest of my life in mourning. Mourning for what was. Mourning for what could have been. Mourning for what is now.
I can not describe the difference between the immense pain that I am feeling having to be the one to finalize all the loose ends and immense sadness at the loss. The loss of time wasted. The loss of lost youth never to be regained. The loss of trust. The loss of a special love. The sadness of broken memories and a lifetime of torturous what ifs.
One of the woven in hard elements is having all the people that love you constantly asking you what is going on. They constantly ask if they can help. They all mean well and they all love me but……………and it is a huge but, you have to force those smiles. You have to assure them that you are fine. Then I patiently wait until my sons eyes close for the night so that I can watch television to try and help me not to cry. This too shall pass but while it is here it is stopping me from breathing. While it is here I feel the burning pain in my heart.
I sat today and stared at my pile of work and I thought to myself, thank God I work for myself. Thank God I do not answer to anyone and thank God I was able to get a good portion done which thankfully occupied my mind. While I worked, I felt the pain knocking and I did what I could to keep it at bay. At one point I realized that I was mourning not what I lost but I was mourning the dream of what was supposed to be. Again, I realized the immense pain was not from what was lost but instead, the pain was from the dream of what was supposed to be and just then, another cathartic stream of tears had arrived. I have to just breathe while I wait for the reprieve of the agonizing monster tearing my insides apart.
Todays blog post is a lesson in real life. The lesson is that regardless of what life throws at you, you have to face the hand your are dealt until the deck gets reshuffled. The saying, this too shall pass, is appropriate in every aspect of life so keep forging ahead regardless and stay focused.
I have a fitting read for today’s blog post called, The Book of Joy. It is a book I have recommended in the past and it is perfect for today because even when all is out of whack, there is always looking toward joy to bring you back to peace. If you do not have your own copy, here is a link to get your own copy from Amazon >>> https://amzn.to/2sJZjDx
If you choose to shop in Amazon, I would greatly appreciate it if you could use the link I have provided. As an Amazon Affiliate, it is possible I can earn a bonus and therefore continue to provide continued content we all enjoy. Thank you in advance!
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